How can we begin to have a self-lead relationship with food, when culturally there is so much pressure to diet and be thin?
Firstly, what is a self-lead relationship with food? Well this is a really good question and one that I hope to shed some light on here. When we are born we have a self-lead relationship with food…we cry when we are hungry and stop eating when we are full…simples dimples! Mmm…then life comes along and we are exposed to an overwhelming amount of weight and food bias from significant people in our life, and society, that then disrupts us from our core wisdom about what our bodies need. Can you remember a time when you ate without being self-conscious? Ate without internally tracking how many calories you were eating? Didn’t think of certain foods as either good or bad?
In support of ourselves, we then internalise this information and create parts of us that we call “managers” to protect us and keep us safe. These managers might do jobs like restricting our food, counting our calories, this time of year enlisting the latest detox or cleanse that is going to eliminate the Christmas bulge, all in an attempt to ensure, we are good enough, loveable, or acceptable…within the standards that society has created for us…and sometimes those around us too…or we may internalise their own fears about what it means to be enough.
And naturally when there are too many managers, the soothers kick in and these try and provide relief in our system. The fuck it button, the I bloody deserve cake…basically the soother can take it to the other extreme as the system has felt so denied….then the next day what happens…the manager is at the door telling you off for being “naughty” the day before and necessitates a pressure to get back on track…all driven by a fear of not being good enough, loveable, desirable or a fear of being judged within this weight biased society that we live in.
When we know that there is so much judgment in our society regarding weight….how understandable is it that these manager parts in us kick in to try and protect us…and no wonder they don’t want to relinquish their control either for fear of being judged, body shamed, or seen as less desirable. They have good reasoning right…how judgmental is the world regarding weight and shape? So they have either directly experienced the judgement or seen others be judged and treated with a lot of disdain or bullying…or they’ve noticed the positive regard and privilege that is accorded to thinner bodies in our culture. They have been working really hard on our behalf to try and protect us and need lots of acknowledgment for how well they do their job….and it can take a lot of healing, particularly if there has been a lot of trauma..…and a different relationship with yourself in support of that healing too.
The core wisdom is always within us, it can just get overshadowed or taken over by these really frightened parts at times. With people I work with, I liken it to the clouds and the sunshine…the sunshine is the core wisdom, always present, and sometimes the clouds take over and its harder to access that wisdom. We can also have lots of cloud ( or loud as my typo nearly printed) parts in relation to food and it can be helpful to map them out so you can get to know them better and understand what fears they are carrying, why they have done the job they do in your system for so long and what support they need from you ( from that inner wisdom to heal and move forward). All parts have a positive intention for us, for example, my indulgent part would protect me from feeling lonely…and my restricting part was afraid of this too…so can you see that often parts hold a similar intention even though they may be playing different roles in your system.
Eating from a self-lead place ( the sunshine), is very much dependent on your own body, your age, what your body needs and wants, rather than being determined externally by rules and guidelines. It’s about working with the body you have, rather than the body you might crave in the past or the one you long for in the future…which of course might involve some grieving parts too that need your attention. When we are in a self-lead place we can support negotiation between parts, the one that wants to go to the gym or the one that wants to stay in bed, and ultimately tune into what the body needs or is capable of rather than placing pressure ( which will be part driven) and find a place that works and feels safe. Self-lead eating is about finding a balance inside yourself of giving yourself what you need, alongside having what you want, without certain “parts” taking over or dominating the driving seat.
It’s like being a good parent to yourself and looking after those parts that hold all those fears and have been traumatised perhaps. A good parent doesn’t let the child stay in the sweet shop all day long and equally he/she doesn’t ban them from going there either. Self-lead eating doesn’t discriminate foods as good or bad, when parts are healed or from a self -energy place, foods are binary. They are not seen as healthy or unhealthy, they are equal and therefore they become emotionally equal. That doesn’t mean that they affect us in the same way, as some can give us more energy and some less, and depending on what we need to be doing, we can make that choice about what we want to put in our bodies. Our bodies do talk to us and let us know what they need, sometimes it can be really hard to hear.
The same applies to exercise…from a self-lead place we do exercise that we enjoy, that excites us and that is nurturing for our bodies, age appropriate and that makes our bodies feel good as oppose to in pain or hurt ( of course appropriate to the type of exercise and your bodies limitations). Some exercise does of course hurt as it stretches us…yet if you notice a pattern of physical pain as you continue, then it may be that a “part” has made that decision to do that type of exercise and it may be worth be curious with yourself about what that’s really about and is it truly what your body needs? ☺
I appreciate that this is a complex issue..and is laden with complexity in our society too, as we not only carry the personal burdens in relation to food and weight, yet we are further laden with the cultural burdens too and it can be hard to resist them when we are driven to belong, be accepted and be seen and noticed.
By understanding and showing compassion to our different food and body related parts, we begin to create a different relationship inside, take the power back within and create choice rather than control. By changing our individual experience and letting go of those individual burdens we change the social story too.
I hope it has given you some food for thought (☺) and please pop over to our Facebook group (here), With Food in Mind if you are interested in further discussions and debates.
www.drclairestubbspsychologist.co.uk
