Every day needs to be Mother’s Day!
Before you read this, I just want to put it out there that I grew up in a single parent household with a man running the show, so I appreciate there are lots of men working hard at being a parent whilst working too.
I am so struck in my work lately (naturally exemplified by the COVID crisis) of the additional pressure mothers add onto themselves. How much does society amplify this too? We are constantly bombarded by images of motherhood, what a mother should and shouldn’t be, how we parent in comparison to others and so on. If we really pay attention though, the best and worst parts of parenthood don’t make it to social media, because we are too busy being in them, therefore we are comparing our lives to snap shots of another person’s…or are we comparing our values and standards to what someone else “wants” the world to know?
I hear so many painful expressions of feeling guilty of not being enough, from a mum who is a parent of too young children and working full time…therefore guilty of being at work ( with the intention of providing) and guilty for not being around enough.
I always share with people how guilt can signify a tension between two opposing beliefs. We feel we “should” be at home with our children all the time, and we also “want to have our own time and be fulfilled and stimulated by our own interests and activities. If you think of a tug of war then these opposing beliefs can feel like that inside. Culture informs the first belief, for both genders, the father “should” be out working, or the mother “should” be an all singing all dancing parent as well as being a new age woman and holding down a job. Some women and fathers if single parents, often don’t have a choice, and having grown up in a single dad household, both do exist!
Sometimes I support people to wonder what’s underneath the guilt, is it a sadness that you want to be spending every minute with your child and actually don’t really want to be working? That’s not guilt, that’s your love and devotion that you feel for them, and it’s hard to separate from them, this is healthy and normal to feel, albeit tough.
Apart from your own feelings, there are a number of things that impact on your child’s well-being. Understanding those better can ease your guilt. Let’s look at how children actually feel about their parents working.
Research by Ellen Galinsky in Ask the Children shows that the majority of children, when asked about how they felt about their parents working, were proud. A study published in Psychology of women quarterly in 2015 further confirmed how Children’s attitudes towards their working mothers are improving across generations. Also, in 2015 Harvard Business School published a study confirming that daughters of working mothers were generally more successful and higher earning as they grew up, and boys were more likely to be involved in caring for the home and children. Anecdotal evidence from numerous respondents to the survey confirmed how the “working mother effect” had positively benefitted their drive, confidence and compassion. Children, then, do not have a problem with us working- provided, of course it doesn’t lead to conflict or neglect.
One would assume that working means spending less time with your children, but a ground-breaking study in 2012 showed that working mothers spend as much time with their children today, as at home mothers spent in the 1970s, because when there is less time, we often make sure that the time is of good quality and because you are stimulated at work and have interests outside, you are more open and excited about the quality time with your child. Therefore, parental guilt can be misplaced, children feel fine about their parents working, provided they have consistent quality time.
As I acknowledged there are a number of men sharing the parental and household load, however, research confirms that women are still taking on the majority of domestic and caregiving responsibilities. And with COVID 19, we are seeing the emergence of a “double double” shift, with women working an extra three hours per day on household and work duties than men. That adds up to 15 hours per week, the equivalent of a healthy part time job, which may exacerbate burn out, stress and increase concerns that “I am not being enough.”
With this in mind, is that as women we are not giving enough to ourselves and this is where the investment needs to be, otherwise the cup is going to undoubtedly run empty if the expectation is to do more? Am I being selfish by investing in me? This is a common fear that I hear…and my answer is that there HAS to be time and room for you if you are to keep doing what you are doing, otherwise burnout, anger, resentment, depression and anxiety will hover behind the door, because ultimately your own needs are being neglected…who wouldn’t get angry about that!
Remember guilt signifies tension, a part that says “should”, informed by this high demanding culture we live in and perhaps you witnessed your own mother running herself into the ground…and the other side in you knowing on some level “ You do deserve more and need your own time”.
Can there be space for both YOU AND others (not either or)…. everyday does need to be Mother’s Day!
Taking some time for you, even if this is in the toilet if you are single parenting is crucial, or some time out for you in the evening when they have gone to bed to not think about work or other chores, is an investment in the time you have with your children and you will all benefit for it! It’s not being selfish, its being self-focused…there’s a difference.
To everyone in a mothering capacity whether male or female, take good care of you this Sunday and everyday.
www.drclairestubbspsychologist.co.uk
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