How can I feel more confident?
People ask me this question all the time, and I wish it was as easy as adding something to your overnight oats, yet it is a bit more complex than that.
As we are relational human beings our sense of ourselves is intwined with others from the moment we arrive into the world. Depending on what experiences we have, we then make a series of decisions about ourselves, such as “I’m only okay if I achieve well” or “I’m only OK if I look a certain way, or if others like me. How others treat us ( and to begin with our most significant others) seems to be the most fundamental criteria informing whether we believe we are worthwhile or good enough.
Let’s have a gentle look at this in support of repairing those painful beliefs. A young woman has been criticised by mum since she was little, does this mean she is not worthwhile? We can really understand why she feels this way, yet it seems like mum was struggling and perhaps mum didn’t feel good either. A young man’s parents divorce and his whole world falls apart and he believes its his fault. Divorce and separation can be a traumatising experience for children at any age, and in the absence of a clear explanation, children can draw their own painful conclusions about why it has happened. A young girl experiences one parent drinking from.an early age and then leaves. The girl decides that she wasn’t enough for daddy. Again, in support of protecting the relationships around them, children create painful explanations inside themselves to try and make sense of their world. Children also want to protect the adults as they are their caregivers, and its safer to internalise the blame than to get angry at their parents for failing them.
So, how people treat us is a reflection of how they are feeling and what’s going on for them, not a shortfall in us. We then carry those “not good enough” parts of us into adulthood, and events that happen in the present can activate those feelings, or we set up our lives in a way to protect us from ever feeling that way again…hopefully.
So if our confidence gets impacted through relationships, how can we begin to nurture it? Through the relationship with yourself. Confidence is like a wilting flower and can be watered, and you have the can in your hands.
Here are some very gentle ways you can begin that healing process…
1. Listen into the parts that are self doubting, what’s their story, can you hear their upset, does their self doubt make sense given what happened?
2. If you could ask any critical parts in you to step back whilst you are listening so you can really hear with an open friendly heart.
3. Try and resist the temptation to compare yourself with others, you have walked your own path and experienced your own pain. If you do find yourself comparing, try and be curious with yourself as to how this part of you is trying to protect you, and what you might need to give yourself in order to feel safe.
4. Is there any part of your life where you or others are continually knocking your confidence, what might need to change here in support of you?
5. Are you trying to change yourself currently from a place of not feeling good enough? Working harder at work, trying to change your appearance, pleasing others over yourself? How is this impacting on you and again, what can you do to be more gentle with yourself?
How we feel (not good enough) and how we actually are in reality are separate things. Like the examples given illustrate, we often draw conclusions about ourself in relation to others behaviour that leave us feeling not enough and yet others behaviour doesn’t change our worthiness. If your partner left you yesterday, you are still worthwhile today, if your boss criticised you last week, you are still worthwhile today. You are worthwhile because you are you, NOT as a result of how others treat you.
Take good care of you, you are always doing your best ❤
