How to help children with anxiety
Anxiety can be hard to be with, if you are experiencing it, it feels overwhelming and paralysing and if you are trying to support an adult or a child through it, it can leave you feeling powerless. Often as parents or guides in children’s lives, we want to get rid of the anxiety. Anxiety is a feeling, not a truth, it can be a persuasive little beast and is not always accurate. In fact, it rarely is. Too often it sends out warning signals that feel like stops signs. The important message for our little ones ( and all of us actually) is that “you don’t need to wait for your anxiety to go in order to do hard things, because even when you feel so anxious and so small, there will be more brave inside you than you will ever need” The greatest truth of it all little one, is that even when you feel anxious, you can do brave.
During anxiety, certain parts of the brain become dominant and drive behaviour. This is evidence of a strong, healthy brain switching into survival mode, but when it happens too much or unnecessarily, it feels awful. Responses become rigid – the response to dangerous situations also becomes the response to situations that aren’t dangerous at all.
Healthy living means being able to meet different situations with different responses, depending on what’s needed. For this to happen, the different parts of the brain need to work well independently, but they also need to work well together.
When children (and adults) become overwhelmed with anxiety, certain parts of the brain have taken charge and have disconnected from other parts of the brain. In times where an immediate, strong response is needed (as in times of real danger), this is brilliant, and a sign of a brain doing exactly as it’s meant to do. Sometimes there is just no time to think about the big picture. If there is a wild dog running towards you, the last thing you want to do is wonder if it’s lost, angry, hungry or misunderstood, or imagine how cute it would be if it was sleeping. You just need to get out of there – fast.
To make this happen, the brain switches to auto-pilot and immediately initiates the fight or flight response. It hands the bulk of the workload to the more primitive, instinctive, impulsive parts of the brain and at the same time it organises for the parts that like to take more time planning, to sit out for a while.
Anxious brains have a mind of their own – but we can change that.
Everything we expose our children to and everything they do will alter the physical structure of their brains in some way. By understanding the way their brains work, you can provide the exact experience they need to strengthen the relevant connections to nurture their mental health.
As a parent, teacher, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or any important adult in a child’s life, you can play a vital role in strengthening his or her brain against anxiety. Let’s talk about how.
What is happening in the brain and body when a child is anxious?
The frontal lobes are in the left hand side of the brain and are responsible for logical, rational and reasoning thought processing. These are not even beginning to form in children’s brains until about the age of seven and are not fully formed until after the age of fourteen! Therefore, whether anxious or stressed, children and young people need us to loan them our rational and logical lobes!
The amygdala is in the right side of the brain (the emotional side) and this sends signals to the body when there is danger or threat. The amygdala tells the body, to stop using up oxygen for breathing and prepares the muscles for running or fighting. The amygdala also turns off the frontal lobes, because it takes over, therefore there is no one home in the logical, rational part of the building!
The oxygen builds up inside and our carbon dioxide drops, this makes us feel dizzy and confused. The heart beats faster to get the fuel to where it is needed in your body. Your heart might feel like its pounding too hard or too fast…This is okay (even though it doesn’t feel like it is) your heart knows what it’s doing.
The fuel gets sent to your arms in case they need to fight and the legs in case they need to run. Your arms and legs might feel tight or wobbly.
The body cools itself down, so it doesn’t have to overheat if it has to run or fight.
Your digestive system prepares itself too and in case you need to run, it will make you feel nauseous, this is your bodies way of getting rid of what it needs in order for you to be able to run faster!
There is an injection of cortisol (stress hormone) into the brain when we feel stressed and anxious and when we enlist the strategies below, oxytocin which is like medicine for cortisol is injected into the brain too and this calms us down. How clever is the body and brain in looking after us…if there were lions and tigers present we would be sorted…its helpful to let children know that these are actual threats…the information below helps explain anxiety to children of different ages.
A helpful analogy for children and young people is to think about this like a sports team. Each person on the team can be a superstar, but if each person insists on scoring all of the points themselves, regardless of what the rest of the team needs from them, there will be chaos. A strong team needs everyone to participate. Sometimes that will mean working hard on the front line, and sometimes it will mean stepping back so others can work their magic. The better the team can work together, the more effective it will be. Brains work the same way.
We need both sides of the brain to work well together. If the right brain was in charge, without the steady, logical influence of the left side, we would be overwhelmed with physical sensations and emotions. Images and memories would flood us constantly and we would be emotional, chaotic and irrational. Coming at life from the left side also has its downside. If we were to be completely steered by logic without any input from our emotional experiences, we would be cold and emotionally disconnected from the world, ourselves and the people around us. Life would be logical, but it would also be without soul.
What else happens in the body when we are anxious?
- When we get triggered into a fight or flight state, our bodies make a decision in reaction to what’s happening that you are under threat and mobilises you for survival, hence the fight or flight response. The nervous system can stimulate individual actions such as pupil dilation, sweating, breathing and increased heart rate and or mobilise a full body response, fight or flight.
- Your hearing will also change as your system is tuned to sounds of danger and not to sounds of connection, therefore we may not be able to hear people properly when we are in this state of arousal.
- The ability to read facial cues is affected and we can misread cues. Neutral faces can appear angry and you remain on high alert. Connecting can feel unsafe and you feel like you want to escape and hide.
When the front and the back disconnect.
The lower brain, at the back of the brain, is primitive, impulsive and instinctive. One of its main jobs is to keep us alive by initiating the fight or flight response when it senses danger. It does this superbly, but sometimes it will do it unnecessarily. This is how anxiety happens.
The front brain is the more sophisticated, adult part of the brain. It brings order to the instinctive, impulsive behaviour of the lower brain. It helps us to plan, consider consequences, problem solve, make decisions, exercise self-control, feel empathy, act morally, imagine and think.
When there is a strong connection between the front and back of the brain, messages will travel freely between the two. The lower brain will let us know when something doesn’t feel right, but the front brain will make sure the response is warranted and that things (and people) don’t get out of control.
When the sensations of fear or anxiety are strong, the rational, logical, calming front brain is overwhelmed. The surging of fight or flight neurochemicals sends it offline. When this happens, it isn’t able to establish whether or not there actually is danger, and it also isn’t available to help calm big feelings or plan a better response, as in one that isn’t driven by high emotion.
This is why anxiety isn’t something you can reason away. Telling someone who is experiencing anxiety that ‘there’s nothing to worry about,’ will often fall flat because the part of the brain that is receptive to that kind of logical information (the front brain) is offline. This is where you come in.
Being the bridge for our children…..
To thrive, we need to help our kids strengthen the connections horizontally – with the logical left brain and the emotional right brain working together, and vertically – with the rational front brain and the instinctive lower brain working together.
An important part of dealing with anxiety means not avoiding the things that feel overwhelming, but this will happen more easily when the entire brain is working together. This will mean easing the anxiety first, so the brain is more receptive to trying something new or unfamiliar. Now for the how.
- Connect with their feelings…..
We all want to be heard and acknowledged, and our children are the same. They want you to connect to them with your right brain, before you offer them any logic or reasoning. As much as their concerns might be frustrating, unreasonable, impossible, laughable, they are still valid to the child or young person and warrant being acknowledged. In this you are teaching so many valuable skills too. You are teaching them to manage their own emotions, integrate their left and right brain hemispheres, which is so important for development, help others with their feelings later in life, and to know that they are important and valued enough for you to do this. Non-verbal signals like physical touch, empathetic facial expressions, a nurturing tone of voice and non-judgmental listening can go along way too. Once this has happened then you can appeal to their left brain and address the specific issues that have been raised. You will find that this is much easier to do after responding and acknowledging the right as by validating the feelings, they will also subside and the person is open to what else you have to say…ever noticed that?
This strategy may not work 100% of the time, sometimes the child or young person may be so furious, hurt or distressed that they have gone past the point of being able to hear you, and sometimes the emotional waves need to crash until the storm passes. In this instance letting them know you are there when they can hear you can also be validating and then let them calm in their own time and space, before re-visiting what happened. Rules about respect and behaviour still need to be upheld, whatever behaviour is inappropriate in your house, whether disrespectful, hurting someone, throwing things or being verbally rude, should remain off limits even during times of heightened emotion. Yet moments of emotional flooding are not the best times to talk these things through as valuable lessons will be lost, and you will probably be heightened in terms of your response too and may not say things that you might feel are important to say at another time when you are calmer.
- Be the safe container (This will calm the protective, anxious lower brain.)
During anxiety, behaviour might take different shapes – aggression, tantrums, avoidance, clinginess – but it is all driven by a brain in fight or flight. What your child needs more than anything in that moment is to feel safe. Your tone, volume, and physically positioning yourself on their level will all help to communicate this. Be as calm, soothing and supportive as you can be. Responding any other way will inflame a brain that is already feeling vulnerable. There will be time to deal with behavioural issues later.
- Say what you see. (This will also calm the lower brain.)
Name the feeling or fear that you see. This will send the message to the lower brain that you understand and that you’re there to help. It will let the protective lower brain know that it has done its job and found support. Try, ‘You look scared. Is that what you’re feeling right now?’ or ‘I can see that you’re worried about going to the party. Is that what’s happening for you?’ Feelings always exist to meet a need. With anxiety, the need is to feel safe, even if there is no obvious threat. Research has found that labelling an emotion calms the activity in the amygdala and at the same time increases activity in the frontal lobes. When you name the feeling and offer what’s needed (assurance, warmth, security) the need behind the feeling will ease, and the feeling will start to calm. As Marc Bracket from the Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence describes, ‘Labelling your emotions is key. If you can name it, you can tame it.’
5…4…3….2….1
When we are anxious we are overly consumed by our bodies and what’s happening internally. By asking children, what five things can you see? Encourages the frontal lobe to turn back on ( as they are needing to think) and it supports them to turn the focus outside of their internal world too. As the images describe, then you could continue with “What four things can you hear?” What three things can you touch?” What two things can you smell?” and finally “What can you taste?” Introduce this routinely and it will be easier to turn to when needed and becomes a valuable part of their bravery toolbox.
- Do some fun body exercises to ground them!
- Start by breathing in for three seconds, hold your breath for three seconds and then out for three seconds, the holding in for three will really slow your breath down.
- Each breath in needs to be into the belly and ideally fill up for the count of 3. To ensure you breathe into your belly and not your chest, put your hand on your tummy and one hand on your chest. The hand on your tummy should move more as you breathe in.
- The out breath should be sustained for the whole count of 3. Imagine you are pulling your belly button slowly towards your spine.
Why do this?
Breathing deeply and slowly sends a message from your body to your brain that all is well and there is no cause for alarm. (It is an injection of oxytocin) It is worth practicing so you can use deep breathing when you start to feel anxious. Don’t wait until you are in a panic as it is much less effective then.
Fun body techniques
- Place both feet flat on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Curl and uncurl your toes several times. Spend a moment noticing the sensations in your feet.
- Stomp your feet on the ground several times. Pay attention to the sensations in your feet and legs as you make contact with the ground.
- Clench your hands into fists, then release the tension. Repeat these 10 times.
- Press your palms together. Press them harder and hold this pose for 15 seconds. Pay attention to the feeling of tension in your hands and arms.
- Rub your palms together briskly. Notice and sound and the feeling of warmth.
- Reach your hands over your head like you’re trying to reach the sky. Stretch like this for 5 seconds. Bring your arms down and let them relax at your sides.
- Stand up and walk around if you are in freeze as this will dilute the freeze.
- Pat your arms and legs up and down – patting orients you into the present and further reminds you of your presence in the here and now and if you feel numb or detached.
- Take 5 more deep breaths and notice the feeling of calm in your body.
Breathing exercises are very effective and they may get a little boring if you are a little person. So, here are a few variations that may be more effective with younger children:
- Tissue blowing: Take a tissue and separate the two layers, so you end up with two very thin tissues. Take one of these tissues and throw it in the air. The challenge is to keep the tissue up in the air as long as possible. Keep count of how long your child can keep the tissue in the air and challenge them ( in a humorous, gentle way) to improve on their previous effort. This technique has a two pronged effort because it helps the child re-focus and increases their oxygen intake. It can also be lots of fun to do in a classroom setting as it inevitably leads to people bumping into one another and everyone laughing. What a wonderful way to bring about class cohesion and release tension.
- Bubble blowing, this is also a lovely way of increasing oxygen into the body, reducing anxiety and redirecting attention. ( You can introduce the breathing exercises into the bubble blowing as a way of supporting the child to learn how to breathe properly)
- Use your words!
Recruit the left brain by encouraging your child to put their own words to their experience. Ask your child to talk to you about what he or she is feeling and what has happened up to now. You might need to help them by encouraging the detail, ‘and then what?’ or ‘what happened before that?’. This kind of storytelling will help to connect the right and left brain help to make sense of the experience.
When children use words to talk about their emotions, they are connecting the emotion and memories of their right brain with the language and logic of the left. This will strengthen the connection between the right and the left brain and smooth the flow of information between the two. Think of it as building a bridge between the right and the left sides of the brain. When your child feels anxious and needs to make sense of the experience, he or she can use the bridge to access the words and logic that will give meaning to the experience. The more you are able to engage the left brain (by using words and describing the experience in a linear, concrete way), the stronger the bridge will be. Be patient – this will take time. Strong, beautiful bridges aren’t built in moments.
- Shhh. Let them sleep. (To strengthen the connection between right and left)
Sleep is a beautiful thing for all of us, and it’s especially important that kids with anxiety get enough of it. Research has shown that during sleep, the connections between the right and left hemispheres of a child’s brain are strengthened by up to 20%. New connections are formed and a fatty protective layer of insulation called myelin forms around the nerve fibres. Myelin is important because it speeds up the transfer of information across nerve cells. The greater the myelination, the stronger the connection.
- When they are relaxed, help them understand anxiety (To strengthen the connection between right and left.)
When your child is calm, explain what anxiety is in a logical, linear way. ( https://drclairestubbspsychologist.co.uk/explaining-anxiety-to-children/)
Every time you talk about this, you will be adding more and more structure to the bridge between the left and the right. Helping them understand why their anxiety feels the way it does is powerful. We all need to make sense of our experiences, and if a child is left to make sense of the physical sense of anxiety, their own version won’t feel as friendly. Anxiety feels out of control and frightening. It can be so convincing and when it takes hold, there’s often a feeling of certainty that there is something to be scared or, or that something more serious is driving the symptoms.
There is a level of safety, security and comfort that comes with awareness. Think of this like noises in the night. If you know that the noises in the next room are from the television, all is good. But if there is no television in the room next door and no other explanation for the noises you’re hearing, it’s going to feel terrifying. Images of robbers or intruders will fill your head. It’s the same for anxiety. If your child understands where their feelings coming from and what’s causing them, they will eventually feel less threatened by the experience.
- Encourage them to practice strong breathing. (To re-engage the front brain easier and to strengthen the connection between the front and back).
Strong, deep breathing initiates the relaxation response, which was discovered by Herbert Benson, Associate Professor of Medicine at the Harvard Medical School. The relaxation response neutralises the fight or flight neurochemicals. Remember, it is the surging of these neurochemicals that swamp the front brain and send it offline. Once the neurochemicals begin to neutralise, the front brain is free to re-engage and send some loving calm to the back brain. Just like the fight or flight response, the relaxation response is hardwired into us but it does have to be actively engaged. In the midst of anxiety, the brain is too busy to concentrate on slow deep breathing, but with practice, this can become more automatic. Each day, when your child is relaxed, have them practice breathing in for three, hold for one and out for three. Do this about 5 to 10 times. The idea is to do it so much that is can be called up as easily as any habit.
10. Mindfulness (To strengthen the connection between the front and the back.)
Research has repeatedly shown that mindfulness can change the function and structure of the brain. One of the ways it does this is by strengthening the connection between the reactive back of the brain and the rational, calming front of the brain. Here are some fun ways to start a mindfulness practice with kids.
- Talk about a plan. (This will strengthen the connection between front and back).
The frontal lobes will be strengthened when children use them not just when they are engaged during anxiety. Frontal lobes love planning, so when your child is relaxed, involve them in coming up with a plan for if the feel anxious again. Ownership is a powerful thing – your child will much more likely to stay on board with the plan if they have been involved in coming up with it. Ask what might help to make the experience easier next time. There will be more chance of doing this when they are relaxed, because the lower brain will also be relaxed and more willing to surrender control.
And finally, …
A more strongly connected brain will be a more effective brain in all sorts of ways, not just against anxiety. It will drive healthier relationships, a greater capacity to learn and deal with challenges, and richer way of responding to the world. Everything our kids need to be vital, healthy and happy is in them. Our job as the important adults in their lives is to help them strengthen those qualities. By supporting them when they need it, and exposing them to the right experiences, we can change and strengthen their brains in ways that will see them thrive.
