Back to school anxiety
Imagine you had to go somewhere you felt frightened to go too….the world then shut down for seven months and so you didn’t have to face your fear everyday….and now that time has come when you have to go through that again….can you really imagine how that must feel?
School refusal is a complex issue that is stressful for the child, you and the school. The more time a child is away from school, the more difficult it is for the child to resume normal school life. If school refusal becomes an ongoing issue it can negatively impact the child’s social and emotional development.
School refusal is, as the name suggests, the refusal by a child to go to school. Some will get as far as the school gate and then be unable to go in; others can’t even leave the house.
‘School refusal isn’t just not wanting to go to school; it’s an extreme form of anxiety that debilitates the child,’ explains Kay Mawson, founder of School Refusal Support Services.
‘The term “school refusal” implies a choice, but children are no more able to go into school than you or I would be to jump into a pit of spiders.’
School refusal affects around one per cent of children. It’s more common in boys, and tends to peak between ages five and six, and 11 and 12.
Symptoms of school refusal and anxiety
Children who are experiencing school refusal may demonstrate a number of different symptoms and behaviours, including:
• Refusal to go to school in the morning
• Leaving or running away from school during the school day
• Tantrums and outbursts, especially in the morning
• Threats to harm themselves if they’re made to go to school
• Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, panic attacks and diarrhoea ( which really distinguishes from truancy)
• Extreme clinginess: not wanting to be alone in a room
• Sleep disturbances.
• restlessness, being easily fatigued, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension.
Children who develop school refusal display severe emotional and cognitive stress in the face of attending school. In contrast to the issue of truancy, an anxious child who refuses to attend school does so because they are genuinely distressed. A young person who is school refusing, will often attempt to get up in the morning, put on their uniform, have breakfast and may even make it to the car or the school drop off zone, but when it comes to taking those last steps they either become angry or defiant or really distressed. Anger is a secondary emotion to fear and therefore it’s as valid as the distress or upset response, children just manage and respond to their feelings differently. The child who is school refusing will often say they want to go to school they just can’t. Unlike the school refuser, the young person who is playing truant will more likely do other things when they are not at school, like hanging out with friends or shopping. The young person who is school refusing will be exhausted and drained from the impact of the anxiety in the morning and the effort that they put in whilst feeling that way…Have you ever tried to do something when you are so so scared…its exhausting!
What is the anxiety?
Up to 80% of school refusers are experiencing some form of anxiety, whether that is social anxiety, generalised anxiety or separation anxiety.
According to the mental health manual that helps us understand each diagnosis, anxiety is the anticipation of future threat, whilst fear is the emotional response to a real or perceived imminent threat.
Separation anxiety is at its core a fear of being separated from a significant person who is believed to be a comfort, safety zone and support figure. Social anxiety is characterised by a marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others. Generalised anxiety on the other hand is characterised by excessive worrying about a number of events or worrying. The strategies and suggestions in this booklet will support all types of anxiety. If you want to do more specific work around the different types then suggestions for resources can be found in the resources section.
In the case of school refusal, the child or young person has experienced a negative situation at school or prior to going to school ( bullying, failed assessment, challenging interaction with a teacher, parent or other children. The responsibility pie suggested later can support the identifying of what the issue is that is contributing. The longer the child is away, the greater the perceived danger becomes causing symptoms to become more severe.
Fear provokes the fight, flight or freeze response…therefore, anger, running away or avoiding, or total shutdown and disconnect from the world. These responses are the body and brain’s way of protecting the child from danger, and in this instance school feels like the danger. Therefore, the child may argue back, lash out or flee to their room or the playground area and this is when you as a parent can feel frustrated, hurt or completely disheartened. It is tempting to give in and give the child what they need, and totally understandable given how hard it is. Hard as it is, this results in actually making things harder all round, for you next time and the child will feel more concerned about going, as the issues have just been delayed for a day. Using the information in this booklet, you can give your child or pupil the information they need to understand themselves and also use the information to support your own resilience.
A good example of this is teaching children to swim. Initially the child is afraid of the water, especially if they have had a bad experience, and may cry and cling to the parent as they enter the water. Their instincts are to hold onto their carer for dear life. If we do not encourage the child to begin to let go, very gradually, it is highly likely that the child will never learn to swim and to trust that the water can be a safe place. However, if we respond to the cries and reassure the child, praising slight achievements, the child begins to believe that they are capable. Progress will of course be very slow, but if every time the carer gets into the pool there is an expectation that the child will pick up where they left off from the last lesson, then progress will begin to occur. Professional swimmers don’t happen overnight so we also need to take the child at their own manageable pace, otherwise resistance and rebound will occur as we have pushed too far.
The child therapy service have a number of useful resources that you can download and support your child to understand why school might be scary, how to explain anxiety to them in a way they can understand and dealing with the new COVID 19 regulations using social stories. These can be found at www.childtherapyservice.org.uk
Furthermore, there are other blogs on my website that detail anxiety and how to support children, and I have written a School Refusal and Anxiety guide for parents and schools and please email me on withyouinmind@live.co.uk if you would like a copy.
The following resilient tips may also be useful:
- Have a plan in place for your child/young person in conjunction with the school for every aspect of the day, the mornings particularly, every significant time at school and after school. Plans help everyone know what they are working with. Monitor this plan regularly with the child and school, through daily check-ins with your child and weekly updates with the school.
- There are three parties’ expectations and needs, the child, the school and you as a parent and there will be ways to meet all yet compromise and perhaps letting go of traditional ways of doing things will need to be considered. Attending school for four hours of the day (if starting later due to anxiety over crowds or challenging people) is preferable than no school at all. Encourage flexibility in the planning and ensure the child’s needs are of paramount…otherwise the plan won’t work!
- Put the ball in your child’s court, what do they feel needs to happen? What do they need in place to support them to return and to feel safe?
- Find ways in which the child/young person can have their voice and be heard. Young people have written letters to schools before as an option. Whatever way they feel comfortable, it’s SO important that they are heard. Plus, the plan will fail if it is not on their terms as they will feel unsafe.
- Trust in you and your child, you know them better than anyone and try not to allow yourself to be dismissed, by others who may feel they know better.
- In meetings or conversations with relevant people, stick to your guns..perhaps see if someone who is a bit separate from the issue can support you so they can be your objective eyes and ears!
- Wherever possible try and assert yourself to relevant people so you can be heard, it may be tempting to get angry at times, yet sadly people don’t hear us when we have angry outbursts. Make sure you have an outlet for your anger so that it can then be prevented from spilling out at times when you need to preserve it. If you do get angry, just be kind to yourself afterwards, YOU ARE ULTIMATELY DOING YOUR BEST.
- Let go of high expectations of yourself during this time, if having chocolate cake for breakfast makes getting out the house easier, then allow it…This is temporary, it won’t be like this forever…plus no-one can realistically eat chocolate cake for breakfast forever!
- Know that it is an emotional rollercoaster, you may feel like you have made two steps forward only to take two steps back…It actually isn’t about moving forward or going back, even when we return to something, it’s because something else is still needing to be attended to and it won’t necessarily last forever. Going back can be positive and there is no value in giving you or your child a hard time about it. Remember YOU ARE ULTIMATELY DOING YOUR BEST
- Listen to the pace of your child and what they need. If we push too far with anyone, they will push back. Equally try not to do too much for them as giving them space to come forward is important too and fosters their own autonomy and resilience.
- If they are struggling to separate during this time of anxiety and want to sleep in your bed, allow this. Hold them through this difficult time, trust that your child will certainly not want to sleep in your bed forever! Knowing we have options in life means we can choose, having doors closed or options closed off results in isolation, withdrawal and potentially further anxiety. Being able to choose what we need and ask for that need to be met, also means that we feel we can choose when we don’t want something and for that to be okay too.
- As long as you are intending and trying to get your child to school, don’t be afraid of the law. The child is refusing (for their own reasons) NOT YOU. Therefore, you are still within the “right” side of the law as you are not refusing them school. Just keep doing what you are doing…you are doing the best by your child.
- If the letters from local authority upset you, then don’t open them. YOU are doing all you can and as long as you are working to try and get your child to school, then you are NOT breaking the law.
- When you attend meetings with the school or other relevant parties, be sure to document everything or have someone to document everything. You probably will be highly emotional and therefore having a friend or relative to support you will really help.
- If you feel dissatisfied for any reason about anything or how things are going, then keep persisting. This is in the best interest of your child and they only have you as a consistent advocate. You have a right to challenge a system that you don’t feel is working for your child.
- Ensure you fill your cup with support when you can as it’s hard to support others when your cup is empty, and you need as much as possible. Enlist anyone who will help you, understands how it is or can help you find further support. Having someone to call after you leave the school in the morning would probably be beneficial.
- If and when a plan is in place, try and be patient and give it time. Of course, there is a lot invested and you so want this plan to work. Yet it also needs time to work too. There may be pitfalls along the way, yet that doesn’t mean it’s not working, change is tough and doing things differently will take time to adjust for everyone.
- Equally, when a plan is working, ensure things are kept in place. Withdrawing an intervention that the child feels is beneficial could be extremely detrimental. Review the plan with the child regularly before anything is withdrawn so again it’s on their terms and they have their say.
- Make sure the child has other hobbies/interests, places where they feel confident and safe. What can you tap into already and build upon? Anything they love, interested in? Is there any way this can be combined with returning to school?
